Long and svelt of leg, guaranteed to look good in any pair of skimpy, rump-clinging shorts, these clones are virtual springboard powerhouses, cloned from the finest basketball players we could bribe.

Logos -- No longer will sports figures have to wear clothing emblazoned with some sponsor's ugly logo -- No -- we will permanently affix sponsors' logos into the flesh and skin of our sports clones -- at a tremendous savings on the price of the overall cloning to you, our valued customer.

Sports Clone Insurance -- To protect you, our customer, from potential nefarious acts of legislation which may make sports clones illegal in certain states and nations. (Needless to say, we will fight with our dying breath such legislation. Premiums for this insurance will be high, in order to keep faith with this commitment.)