today: 5.4.00
every day

There's an expression in the world of writing called "tapped out," which refers to writers who have seemingly lost their wit, their gifts, their ability to piece together words in the sort of order that could make them compelling to any potential reader whatsoever. Sure signs of being Tapped Out include:

So, I've been making a lot of lists lately. Here are three more, free:

5 Questions you Can Ask Me and be Sure You Will Not Get the Answer you Desire:
1 - Do you think I'm weird?
2 - What are you thinking about?
3 - Is that a real gun?
4 - What did you think of my performance art tonight?
5 - Did you hear what I asked? What did you think of my performance art tonight? Why are you walking away so fast? Let's get frappuccinos!

5 Things I've Said Recently that have convinced me I've Become my Dad:
1 - "Hold your horses!"
2 - "Wish in one hand, shit in the other."
3 - "Five feet, eight inches - same as always." (in response to the question, "what are you up to?" my father's famous and oft repeated retort.)
4 - "Sometimes I can't even look at my own reflection without thinking, 'what have i done to deserve these three defective children.'" (note: I only said this because I was rehearsing for my new one-man show, "Blood Doesn't Clean Itself Off the Walls, Moron: Conversations with my Father")
5 - The Jews have undermined all that once made this country great.

5 Future Subjects for A&E's 'Biography':
1 - Gene Shalit
2 - The "Time to make the doughnuts!" guy
3 - Bilbo Baggins
4 - Mayor McCheese
5 - Marie Curie