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(2000)
| (1999)
bagmen.
"exchanging money for Chapstick or some batteries for a transistor
radio is a reminder that they're in touch with people, with the world."
talking
dogs.
"No, I didn't pick this sweater out myself."
books
about people like me.
"(if this site had sound effects, this is where i would include
SFX of that guy from Hee-Haw giving the "raspberry")."
rock
fans.
"Yay for Mister Smoke -- a real american classic."
columbia
house record club.
"should i grab COMBAT ROCK? it's only 1/14th of a penny."
lost
bird.
"there is very little repetition here; change is like oxygen. makes
you appreciate your neighbors -- even the schizophrenic ones who pee
in your elevator."
the
revisionist history channel.
"the only historical research would come from the fuzzed-out memories
of a group of americans chosen by me."
physical
fitness.
"my cab driver told me that all he ever wanted was to have his
own place (me too!!) and make his own rules for his life (me too!!)
and maybe someday have a la-z-boy chair made of cured pork that he could
nibble on while he was watching the rangers games..."
contemporary
movie reviews.
"even as a small, anemic child i was fairly confident that, if
it came down to blows, i could give the mummy an embarrassing thrashing."
ghost
troubles.
"I just figured, since I don't have a corporeal body, I really shouldn't
be paying quite as much for heat and hot water. I hope you'll understand.
By the way, I made profiterole -- help yourself!"
artificial
iced coffee beverage.
"i am pleased that coffee, alongside chocolate, cigarettes, and
bathtub speed has become yet another thing that office-drones and theater
majors loudly insist they "need" in order to function daily."
office.
"they pretty much hide under their desks, come out occasionally
to fiddle around with the xerox machine or collect a paycheck, and then
retire without fanfare. or kill everyone in the office."
'homepage:
the movie'.
"i shouldn't want to hit howard rheingold with milkshakes or fruit
smoothies or rolled-up copies of L'HUOMO magazine. baby steps."
spoiled
meat.
"unfortunately, my luncheon meat did not have a customer satisfaction
address or phone number embossed into the meat slices, so there is nowhere
to place culpability except on my own head."
chris
rock.
"his new special is called Bigger and Blacker (it was originally
going to be called That Shit Wasn't Meant for You, Whitey, So Quit Running
Around Telling Everyone about my Blacks vs. Niggers Bit)."
short,
thematically unrelated stories.
"having never been to mars, i'm perfectly willing to accept that
its surface might be cluttered by eames knock-off furniture and television
monitors playing earth 'sports'."
cable
television.
"I still feel unaccomplished and slovenly for watching and reporting
exclusively on cable television these days -- like that bloated gentleman
who needed to be airlifted out of bed every time he wanted to hit the
ATM."
mexican
corn.
"The cabbage makes all the difference."
material
goods.
"I do find that I am at my least inspired when I find myself rabidly
consuming goods and services, but I usually consume goods and services
because I feel incredibly uninspired."
wedding.
"They say planning
a wedding is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, next to assuming
power of attorney over your parents and forcing them into separate,
but equally disreputable nursing homes against their will."
jonathan
richman.
"Him in vintage
cowboy shirt and jeans; her in smallish black dress, probably chosen
to accompany a pre-show dinner. Her behind him, towering about 4 inches
over taller, his arms stretched behind his back and hers, grasping her
hands with his."
rush
hour.
"'Biggest
fucking rat I ever saw.'"
job
security.
"These
men and women do not possess Audix phone extensions; many of them do
not even possess last names, or social security numbers or a full set
of teeth."
toys
'r' us.
"nothing says indulge your inner-child' more than bullet-proof
glass."
and so begins a new millennium...
crockpot.
"This
cookbook hasn't been updated since 1973, I think, as most of the recipes
involve dropping a pig's ass and 30 American cheese slices in the pot."
copywriter.
"(A rhesus monkey with a pile of his own feces in one hand and
your product in the other, not sure which one he wants to throw more.)"
water
fountains.
"People truly
lived like savages before the advent of stainless steel water fountains."
hemp.
"Hemp
fights cancer and hemp powered the Jarvic artificial heart and hemp
breathes an extraordinary life into even the most flaccid and uninspired
laser light shows."
pet
peeve.
"A
week ago I decided I hate people who wave to others by moving all of
their fingers in a fan-like motion - a Finger Roll. Just like that;
I hate them."
characters.
"When
most people meet my optometrist their immediate reaction is, "you
let him touch your eyes?" Damn right I do."
all
these words © 1999 - 2000 todd levin.
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