Background

The following is from a Bears Mailing List post that was written by my friends Gary, Dave and I following Texas Bear Round Up 4 in 1999.

“TBRU4: Sex and Sleep Deprivation Inspires New Bear Jargon”

First of all, big thumbs up for a great event! Congrats to all of you Dallas Bears, we had a hell of a good time and can’t wait for version 5.0.
As with any bear event there is always a moment of unexpected discovery. A moment whose enlightened glow blinds you and makes you forget all about the previous night’s romp through a field of furry bellies covered with spray cheese and snack crackers. A moment more wholly divine than, say, Cher singing the soundtrack for the next Jack Radcliffe video.
Our moment of inspiration occurred Saturday night at the Trail Dust steakhouse as we salivated over the dead, charred cow that lay before our table of seven. We realized with awe and delight that bear-run sex is similar in many ways to a Texas steakhouse dinner--or any dinner for that matter (that’s the best part of divine realizations, they are not geographically specific--Utah not withstanding). We decided that relating your bear-run sex experiences to friends and neighbors would be much easier using a simple system of jargon rather than rattling on and on about what Mr. Wonderful looked like and what circumstances lead up to the actual dirty deed.
So, in the grand bear tradition of cubs vs. otters, b4 vs. b3 and e vs. e++, we immediately embarked on classifying this realization to the extreme. Here, then, is our new bear sex classification system to make identifying and communicating your bear-run encounters quick and easy:

Pickin’s -- These are the most delicious bears on the menu. They are consumed quickly and in most cases the kitchen is out even before you sit down at your table. On rare occasion the maitre ’d will hold back one serving of Pickin’s for you as a surprise, even if you arrive late. Should you find yourself in this scenario, tip well as this does not happen often, then immediately run to the nearest convenience store to buy a lottery ticket because this is your lucky night. Used in a sentence: “Hot damn, I got me some Pickin’s last night!”

Fixin’s -- These are found next to the Pickin’s, like sour cream ’n chives, flaky buttermilk biscuits or smoky barbeque sauce. Ordinarily you wouldn’t eat just the Fixin’s, but since the kitchen is out of Pickin’s, these fresh and flavorful alternatives will do just fine, thank you. Used in a sentence: “I had me some tasty Fixin’s then went to bed happy.”

Leavin’s -- These are the pieces that remain on the plate as the evening winds down. There may or may not be anything wrong with them. They may be, in fact, cleverly disguised Pickin’s or Fixin’s that were simply bypassed during the previous hours of bingeing. Or they may just be gristle. Only your desire to satiate yourself will allow you to discover the truth. Used in a sentence: “It’s late, but I’m really horny, so I’m gonna go up to the hospitality suite and check out the Leavin’s.”

Baggin’s -- These are Leavin’s that get wrapped up to take home for consumption in the morning. These re-packaged Leavin’s realize they’ll be given a nice warm bed to cuddle in and will be heated up again come breakfast time. Used in a sentence: “I was so tired (or drunk) I had to just grab some Baggin’s and wait until this morning.”

Snackin’s -- These are Baggin’s that get opened early because, like all good bears, once you get them home you realize you can’t wait until morning and just want a little nibble before you go to sleep. Used in a sentence: “He was so cute that I couldn’t help myself from havin’ a Snackin’ before I fell asleep (or passed out).”

Recyclin’s -- These are usually Pickin’s or Fixin’s that return midway through the evening for a second sitting. They’ve changed their clothes and are now wearing a hat to cover up their bed-head. While Recyclin’ is admirable and very P.C., it’s not the same as having the original version. They may be woofy but they can take forever to get to the table, if you know what I mean, and sometimes have a nasty aftertaste. The price for being green is more acceptable to some than others. Used in a sentence: “Where’s the nearest drop box for the Recyclin’s?”

Scrapin’s -- These are the hangers-on that are still around when the kitchen staff is cleaning the pots and pans. Gone are the Pickin’s, Fixin’s and Leavin’s. You can still realize a tasty resolution with Scrapin’s, but you must first deglaze with more alcohol or add a bit of cream to transform the Scrapin’s into a satisfying gravy. But a word of caution--Scrapin’s Gravy doesn’t stay fresh for very long. Eat quickly before it sets up. Used in a sentence (generally around 4 a.m.): “Damn, nothing left but us Scrapin’s.”

Stickin’s -- These bits just won’t leave. They can’t be scraped off the pots and pans so they end up lying around soaking overnight, long after the kitchen staff is gone. Only the truly desperate will try to work any magic with the Stickin’s. Used in a sentence: “Anyone want more beer?”

Grease Trappin’s -- The mess no one wants to touch. If lucky they are attended to once or twice a year, usually by an outside agent who’s being paid under the table. Used in a sentence: “No more beer for me, even the Grease Trappin’s are startin’ to look good.”

Second Helpin’s - A sure sign of gluttony. Independent of your category selection, your choice is relabeled when you binge before bedtime and again in the morning. This can often happen if you discover a Leavin’s is in truth a Pickin’s. Used in a sentence: “I missed the buffet brunch because my Leavin’s turned into Second Helpin’s.”

Grazin’s or Nibblin’s - Interchangeable terms that denote the tidbits from an entire evening spent sampling all categories (or nearly all -- see Grease Trappin’s) without committing to any one choice. This can include sampling from other plates where dining is in full progress between two parties, if and only if permission is asked and granted. Used in a sentence: “After that big Second Helpin’ this morning I’m just gonna get me some Nibblin’s tonight.”

Finally, a word about the display case. The technique of placing well lit representations of the most succulent pleasures right before your eyes is a dangerous distraction that can frustrate your dining experience. The few perfect choices shown will look better than any Pickin’s you ordered and are intended to sway your menu selection in a specific direction. You must be aware that no kitchen staff can achieve that level of perfection, not even Martha’s. Do not forego the appealing alternatives only to discover too late that all items in the display case are made of wax, three dimensional versions of magazine advertisements that no one gets to eat. Our advice is simple: admire the display case, then eat what you want.

There you go. All you need to know to make your next bear-run a smorgasbord of hot furry sex. Happily there were many more Pickin’s and Fixin’s in Dallas than Scrapin’s and Stickin’s. Must be that natural ability Southerners have in the kitchen.

Bon Appetite.

-- One Fixin’ and Two Leavin’s from Chicago (still fighting over which one’s which)

Gary: beargary1@aol.com

Paul: ursine1@aol.com

Dave: ursaman@hotmail.com