The Gamble
R/T, Zlanna@aol.com
Posted 10/10/97

"So, are you going to live your whole life just watching her with other men?" Guinan waited patiently for his answer.

"What?"

Holding a glass up to the light, the bartender examined the goblet for marks, "You heard me. Why don't you go over right now and take her back to her room?"

Riker laughed. "Because I wouldn't make it to the door and she wouldn't speak to me for a week!"

"How do you know?" Guinan insisted.

"She doesn't like me to upset the status quo." He repeated growing tired of Guinan's questions.

"She doesn't? Or you don't want to?" Receiving no answer, Guinan continued. "Then you are both doomed to using other people," she paused, "for that which only the other can provide."

"Don't play matchmaker with me, Guinan." Normally Riker enjoyed the cryptic comments of the woman who managed the ten-forward lounge, but he had little patience for anyone digging too deep into his personal life. Nearly everyone in Starfleet had something in their personal life they would rather keep to themselves and there was an unwritten rule you didn't pry where you weren't welcomed. Guinan, as a civilian on board, never seemed to respect the unwritten rules.

"It's because the gambler is afraid to take the risk." Guinan replied then deliberately walked to the other end of the bar leaving the First Officer sitting with his mouth open struggling to answer. It was true. When he had been younger he had taken a risk. He remembered it well. He had taken his first shore leave on the Hood and grabbed a transport shuttle back to Betazed. He didn't tell her he was coming, afraid she would have refused to see him.

Across the ten-forward lounge Will watched Deanna Troi laughing at the story that Markos, a visiting research physicist was recounting. Actually the guy was very personable and Will had liked him before finding out that Deanna knew him from the Academy. Riker watched the Counselor turn slowly in her chair, smiling timidly when she realized Will was watching her. Abruptly Riker drop his eyes and began to study his ale.

Years ago he had used his first shore leave from the Hood and grabbed the first transport ship to Betazed. When he had arrived he had headed directly to her dormitory. It was 2200 hours, but he had gone straight to her room. He waited outside her door, knowing she was watching him in her monitor trying to decide whether to allow him entry or not. He stood in the hall, feeling his heart pounding so hard that his pulse in his ear drum sent a wave of pain with each beat. He had closed his eyes so he wouldn't have to witness the faces of the telepaths as they picked up on what he was doing standing there alone waiting, trying to guess if she would reject him again. She had left him standing in the hall for a half hour asking himself why had he come only to have her turn him away. As he stood there waiting he had tried to block out from his mind the humiliation of standing in her mother's door while the two of them told him he was unworthy of her, both willing to sacrifice his future for their higher purpose.

Just as he was about to give up and leave, her door had opened. She had stood like a statue neither moving nor able to speak. Behind her, Chandra had sat in a comfortable overstuffed chair, a small smile on her face. It had been Deanna's best friend who had broken the silence. "Lt. Riker! It is so good to see you again." Chandra had waited for Deanna to speak, but Troi had only stared at him. "Deanna is happy to see you." Chandra had encouraged. "I'm sure you two have a lot to t alk about." Chandra had risen from her chair, gently giving Deanna a pat on the shoulder as she had left the room. Will had realized he hadn't said a word either. He had turned to say good-bye only to see the door slide shut.

Risk. He had taken a big risk then running back to Betazed to ask her to give him another chance. But what had he to lose? She wasn't answering his letters. She wasn't reading his vidcom mail. In reality he had had little to lose. Now was different. After ten years he was closer to her than he had ever been even during the two brief intervals when they had been lovers. She came to him to confide her worries, ask his advice, recount her day's trials and successes. When she was lonely she sought him out for friendship, when she was unsure of herself she turned to him for confidence, when she was sad she came to him for comfort. They shared so much. Now he had much more to lose, and yet, there was so much they denied themselves. She had said they would know when they were ready. How would they know? He had wanted to ask her, but like a fool he had pretended to understand. He had struggled for the last month wondering if he was ready yet or if she was.

Years ago, she hadn't been angry, she had been so happy to see him that she stood motionless, afraid to show him how much she wanted to be in his arms again. What would she do now if he uttered the words he had said in the dorm room. It had been so easy then. He had showed up and without a word she had stood still watching him. "Deanna. I know we can work this out." It was all that he had to say. She smiled, running to him, throwing her arms around him. Suddenly they were together again making plans to marry.

"It's not too late to tell her you know." Guinan prodded.

"What?" Will looked up from the glass wondering, not for the first time if the woman was telepathic.

"You have to tell her why you didn't meet her at Risa. She has no idea, you know. She thinks you cared more for your career than her."

Riker didn't even bother to ask how Guinan knew. He closed his eyes for a few minutes, then jumped, startled as he felt a warm hand gently rest on his hand.

"Will?" Opening his eyes he saw Deanna leaning near him, her concern reflected in her face. "What is wrong?"

Looking around for the physicist Will saw him entertaining Georgi LaForge.

In his head Riker remembered Guinan's taunting "It's because the gambler is afraid to take the risk." Will smiled gently at Deanna. The risk. It was too great. Maybe someday, but not tonight. In his heart he knew that each passing year made the risk that much greater. "I'm tired, that's all." he heard himself say. Looking up he saw Guinan returning.

"Will was going to tell me why he didn't meet you on Risa years ago." Guinan began, a look of mischief in her eye.

Deanna tried, unsuccessfully, to hide her surprise. Or was it anger. Or humiliation. She immediately picked up on Will's growing hostility directed towards Guinan. His voice was low, threatening, filled with a malice she had never heard from him. "Guinan, back off."

Holding up her hands defensively, the enigmatic hostess withdrew.

Embarrassment replaced his anger as he tried to explain, "I didn't say anything to her. I think she is telepathic sometimes."

Deanna followed his gaze towards Guinan. "I've been sure of it for the last couple of years, although generally she hides it well. She usually only interferes if she thinks she can help."

Nodding his head, Will shrugged towards the physicist. "All caught up on the news and gossip?"

Something told the counselor that the moment was more important than it appeared, too important to let slip by. Glancing over towards Guinan she realized the hostess was watching Will and her closely. "Why didn't you meet me on Risa?"

"Old story." Riker picked up the ale, but Deanna put her hand on his forearm.

"One I never gave you the chance to tell me. Is there a reason I should know about?"

Riker shook his head. "Deanna, why bring up old ghosts now? I don't want to hurt you again."

It was subtle. It was so subtle Deanna had never caught it before. Probably because her emotions had always been so strong whenever they had discussed what had happened that she had missed his. But now, so many years later, she had accepted the fact that he had put her career ahead of his love for her. Except she realized for the first time that was not what had happened. The truth finally was clear to her. "You are always trying to protect me."

"Deanna, it is late. What are you talking about? Of course, I try to protect you."

"You didn't come to Risa because you were protecting me! From what Will - from a life with you?" She studied him so long that it made him uncomfortable. He stole a glance in the direction where Guinan had last been, wondering if she were somehow behind whatever revelation Deanna was having. "It's not me though you are protecting." There was a softness to her voice he recognized. It was the voice she used to counsel. He didn't want her counseling him. He could take care of himself.

"What are you talking about? Deanna, I don't need any of your psychology." He felt the anger building even as he fought for control.

"No. You won't push me away by fighting with me, Will Riker. Why are you so afraid of me?"

"Don't be ridiculous. I'm not afraid of you."

Deanna squinted her eyes slightly, then unexpectedly leaned her head against his shoulder. Embarrassed Will's glance skirted around the lounge afraid of who might see the intimate moment between the two friends. "Deanna. Come on. Be careful." He warned.

"Will, I'll never stop loving you. Don't you know that?"

"Deanna. I don't think this is the place to have this conversation." The Commander took another look around the crowded room. The noise level had risen as the party had gotten in full swing. No one was paying attention to the First Officer and Counselor except the hostess.

"Then come with me." Deanna rose, taking his hand in hers, pulling gently as she started for the door.

In the turbolift Will debated what to do. Play it safe or take a risk. Pull back and try to retain the delicate balance in their relationship he had achieved with Deanna or take a risk on breaking through to a new level, to truly sharing his life with her. He tried to imagine what he would do if she told him she couldn't love him as he wanted. Swallowing he realized he was incapable of taking that risk.

Arriving at his quarters, Deanna waited for him to announce his access code. Turning to her he said, "Deanna, I'm tired, maybe I'll see you tomorrow."

"No, Will. You are going to talk to me - now!" Her tone told him he was not going to win an argument with her tonight.

Sighing loudly in protest, he stood back allowing her entrance into his cabin. She stood in the center of the room, her arms crossed. "All these years, I thought I wasn't as important to you as your career."

"What are you talking about?" Will realized he really was tired. Too tired to have this conversation.

"You were protecting yourself from me." It was not so much a challenge as a declaration of fact.

"Deanna, do you have to psycho analyze me now?"

"Yes. Yes, I do. What are you afraid of, Will?"

"Nothing! I don't know. Of losing you, maybe." Will searched for the answer she would want to hear. Anything to end this conversation.

"If we aren't together, you can't really lose me, can you?" Her dark eyes held his.

"What? You are talking nonsense." Will began to pace.

Deanna knew she was on the right path. "Why didn't you come to Risa?"

"I don't know."

Pushing harder, Deanna challenged, "Yes, you do. Why didn't you come to Risa. It wasn't because your career took off, was it?"

"No. Yes. I don't know." Will started to withdraw to the corner of the room, but Deanna followed him, zeroing in on his position.

"Who were you protecting, Will?"

"No one. Deanna, stop this!"

"Who? It wasn't me was it?"

"I don't understand what you are doing. Come on, Deanna." His voice lost its agitation, he was pleading.

"Who Will?"

Tired and cornered, Will answered without thinking. "Who do you think? You both just stood there. Both of you telling me it wouldn't work out. I wasn't good enough to love. And you were right - look what I did. As soon as Wendy came, I proved you were right. Happy now? I know why you don't want me, so why do you have to rub my face in it?"

"Will. We all die sometimes."

"What does dying have to do with anything?"

"It has everything to do with everything. There is nothing you can do to stop me from loving you and there is no way," Deanna stopped for a moment so he would hear her words clearly, "that you can protect yourself from my death."

His voice was very quiet. "I know that."

"I am sorry, Will. I never meant to hurt you. I do love you, but I can't promise you I won't die like your mother did."

Deanna watched him stand still in the room. She tried to ascertain his emotions but her own blocked her sense of him. It was a risk she knew, but she was willing to risk everything for him. He might finally realize how vulnerable she made him. He might push her away for good, after all the illusion that he might someday have her was much safer than risking the pain of losing someone else he loved.

"I don't even remember her." he said.

"But you remember the pain her death caused you." she replied. "Pain without memories must be worse than a death with memories to sustain you. You will have memories of me and I will have mine of you. And if we are very lucky we will have children to comfort us."

"Who will comfort them?"

"Whoever is left." Deanna replied.

"Guinan says I'm afraid to risk loving you."

Deanna smiled. "I don't think you are afraid of anything Will Riker." She let him consider the statement for a moment. Finally she looked up at him and offered the challenge, "Ready?"

"Yes" he said, "yes I am." Bending down in her embrace he accepted the gamble, liking the odds better with each passing moment.

The End

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