Cozy Bendesky wearing Ruth Reynolds' Fairfield Fashion Garment 'Lookin for a Stud, and I ain't talkin Metal'

      Response to "How to be the Perfect Wife"
      I was thinking that I was —as my friends and neighbors suggest— totally repressed and too devoted to my husband's comfort. How reassuring this was. Let me share with you some tricks I have discovered, they make my life ever so much more meaningful.

      HAVE DINNER READY
      Prepare only the most delicious foods to tease your husband's palate. If he is watching his weight or health, tell him the cream sauces are fat free — made with tofu and groats. Never skimp on ingredients; his culinary satisfaction is paramount, and we all know that proper French cooking requires lots of eggs, cream and butter. Don't bother him with the details of your recipes. Be sure to call him daily and ask him what he had for lunch, so you don't repeat the same ingredients in his dinner. *

      PREPARE THE CHILDREN
      Feed the children in advance of his arrival if possible. If this is not possible, feed them in the garage or storage shed.

      BE HAPPY TO SEE HIM
      Forget about being a little gay. Be really, really gay! Meet him at the door with a joint, a bottle of frozen vodka, or both. If you are struggling with that housewifely burden of a few extra curves, arrange to have a teenaged babysitter meet him at the door wearing a refreshing outfit. His boring day may need a lift.

      CLEAR AWAY THE CLUTTER
      If the house is too messy and the kids are too noisy, call Social Services and have them placed in foster care for a few weeks. Instead of a pass with a dustcloth, consider lying across the dusty dining room table wearing only olives.

      SOME DON'TS
      Don't greet him with problems or complaints!! If he is late for dinner, consider it an asset! You are lucky to have so much free time to yourself, and ample opportunity to get the gardener out the back door before hubby's arrival. And remember girls, most problems will go away if you just throw enough money at them!

      CALL YOUR MOTHER OFTEN
      She wasn't married to your dad for all those years for nothing. Share in the gift of her good advice. You two may end up being "best girlfriends"!

      MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE
      Have a Swedish exchange student handy for massages at the end of his grueling day. Have a separate, soundproofed room for his relaxation time after work. Don't talk to him or even let him see you unless he is well rested. Speak when spoken to.

      MAKE THE EVENING HIS
      Show him you appreciate how hard he works by cutting his food for him. At dinner, and after, discuss only of pleasant topics, in dulcet tones. Speak in French, if possible, or use a French accent. At the end of the meal, there is nothing more appealing than licking his plate for him. Try licking his face clean, too.

      NEVER LET HIM SEE YOU UNDRESSED
      Think what a sad shock it would be after all those years of studying Playboy magazines in college to have to deal with regular, flawed bodies. Compliment him on his physique, of course, but when it comes to bedtime, be sure to have a nighty handy and room darkening shades on the windows.

      TAKE LOTS OF VALIUM
      The goal: To make your home his castle, every whim his reality, and to continue to do this until the rich food finally does its job and sets you free.

      Copyright © 1996 Cozy Bendesky

      Pictured Above: Cozy Bendesky wearing Ruth Reynolds' Fairfield Fashion Garment 'Lookin for a Stud, and I ain't talkin' Metal'

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      Copyright © 1996 Robert & Cozy Bendesky.
      All Rights Reserved.
      22 Oct 1996

      *Wanna be really scared? My mom actually DID call my dad and see what he had for lunch each day for that very reason. Yikes.

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