JD's History of Automotive Hijinx

JD's Automotive History and Hijinx

What can I say? I do NOT have an impressive list of great cars I've owned here or anything. It's just that, most of the amusing things I can think of tend to have revolved around cars with me. I like cars, I have fun with cars, and I tend to remember past events and things based on the "car timeline" - when I can't remember when a certain event happened, I remember what car I had at the time and I can pin it down easier. :)

Of course, you will probably get the idea I am a dangerous, reckless, careless driver who gets in way too many accidents. Step back - this is a 13 year driving history, I admit in most cases I was screwing around with full knowledge of what I was doing, and I never EVER caused anyone even the slightest injury. The truly scary experiences (cornfield #1, Fury III in the ditch) made big impressions on me I will never forget...

Also, to completely and totally destroy a huge misconception - I would like to point out that in 3 years of driving for Domino's Pizza as a delivery driver, logging over 100000 miles, I NEVER EVER had a single accident or traffic ticket of any kind...

That said, let's start the ball rolling with...

Car #0 - Mom's '86 Dodge Colt - the story of the learner's permit curb-bashing.

So...a story that will set the stage for the rest of my automotive history. I was 17, with my learner's permit. Back then there were a lot less "rules" about who could be your "licensed driver" when using your permit. At the time a few of my friends already had their licenses, so I was out with my good friend Geoff Kolchin (yep, I put his whole name here - I LIVE for the day he does a Google search and finds this page. Love ya Geoff, miss ya bud, get in touch!) ostensibly "learning to drive." In fact, we were tearing around the local industrial park in the Colt goofing around. At one point Geoff says, "OK, I'm gonna pull the emergency brake when you go around this corner, OK?" "Sure thing!" says I. Yep...you can see how this is going to work out, right?

I floor the throttle (OK, so we're talking a 100 HP Colt here, but at the time, that was the most powerful motor vehicle I had ever controlled) and head for the corner. Geoff pulls brake. Car does a completely unexpected 180' flip and I panic and keep my foot on the floor as I watch us approaching a curb. WHACK.

Damage: 1 13" 155/80 tire, new lower control arm, new tie rod end. Angry mother. (Even though we did the big-eyed, earnest "Mom, I dunno what happened, I was trying to turn into the gas station but I hit the curb instead" thing...)

Mom obviously saw the writing on the wall, and as soon as I got my license, along came:

Car #1 - '79 Mustang Ghia ("LX") - the story of the cornfield, the fender benders, the first ticket, the muffler explosion and open headers, the other cornfield, the sinkhole, why I was christened "Lewis and Clark" by Mr. Mozeko, and finally, the fire hydrant.

My first car - a 1979 Ford Mustang "Ghia." This was essentially an LX, they just called it a Ghia for some reason...? I bought this car in 1987 for $2200 - half my money, half from Mom. The car had a 302 V8 with a 2bbl carb and automatic transmission. Stock HP on this car was around 140 or so I think, not much at all considering. But nonetheless it had the V8 sound and feel.

At the time I was working at a gas station (Macada Service Mobil - long gone now) and my boss was about 10 years older than me and was a total Ford Power guy. (Ben / Benjamin Fremstad - just in case HE decides to web search...) Ben used to have a Mercury Cyclone drag racer...so needless to say, he was nearly as happy with my new purchase as I was...

OK, I had the car for about a week or less when I, for some reason (bullshit - I know why, I wanted to show off!) let my friend Geoff drive the car. Up 'till then, he'd only driven his mom's Volvo station wagon (which probably explains why the Dodge Colt seemed like such a powerhouse in comparisoin) so this was a Very Big Deal. My motivation mainly being showing off my fine ride, I encouraged him to "punch it" as we roared around "corn field roads" outside the town of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania where I grew up.

We approach a late 70's Camaro or Firebird as we roar up Locust Road in Bath, PA. Interestingly, our new house is about 2 miles away on Richard Lane in Bath, and I drive this road every day, to/from work.

"I wanna race him!" says Geoff. I'm agreeable...he stomps the throttle, swerves left, and begins to move up on the CamBird...CamBird predictably also swerves left to block. Geoff panics (no blame here - I'm the moron who smacked the curb in his Mom's Colt, remember?) and jerks the wheel right. Mustang owners know what happens next...the notorious light rear end on the 'stang breaks loose and skids left. Geoff jerks wheel right, rear skids right...fishtailing gets worse, we fly off the left side of the road into the cornfield. (luckily going between two telephone poles...had we hit on - THAT would have been THAT.) Yep...my friend puts my 2 day old car into a cornfield. -I- didn't even get a chance to put my own car in a field before someone else did.... :(

Damage: Amazingly, none. Left rear tire has come off the rim, but that was it. Put the full sized spare on and drove to gas station to remount. Not even any dirty underwear, it happened too fast. :)

I can close my eyes today and still see Geoff, stiff-armed, eyes wide, whipping the wheel right/left/right/left/right...right into the cornfield. :)

Well, in the next few weeks I had 2 more "run ins" with the infamous loose-rear-end on the 'stang:

#1 - In the rain while turning left onto a bridge in Bethlehem, I gave it a little too much throttle and spun into the concrete divider. Damage: Scratched/scuffed left front "bumper" (fascia)

#2 - While coming off Rt. 22 on the offramp at MacArthur Road in the rain, gave it a little too much gas, spun out, and whacked a couple reflector-markers as I ended up in the grass. Damage: Ruined the cheap chromed runner that covered the rocker panels on that model car.

After these episodes, I finally got the "hang" of the stock 302 motor in that car and had no more major mishaps.

However - there was the First Ticket: On the way to summer school (heh - a whole other story there kiddos!) I am stopped at a red light. I am fiddling with the new stereo system (JVC tape deck to replace the FoMoCo AM/FM in there) and I glance up and see the light is green and traffic is moving. I take foot off the brake and start to coast forward, looking back down to fiddle with radio.

CRUNCH.

I have "tapped" the guy in front of me in his bigass Delta 88 or whatever it was. Chrome bumper a mile wide...but I tap it right where the actual "bumpers" are mounted and flatten one out slightly.

Old jerk (listen to me - he was probably about 9 years older than I am now...) driving the car FREAKS OUT and calls the police. I get a reckless driving ticket. First ticket. (Do you think it will be the last?)

OK...so what happened to the stock motor? Well, see, nobody ever explained to me the importance of "oil pressure" as compared to "oil level." As I was driving the car around one weekend I noticed the oil pressure gauge getting lower and lower. Odd, thought I - I checked the oil, there was plenty in there. I continued to drive the car even after the knocking started. :) On Monday when I went in to work I had my boss come out and listen. As soon as I started the car, the knocking started. "You spun a bearing" was his response. Then that had to be explained to me. (Do you need it explained to you?)

Long story short - bottom of the motor was trashed. 4 outta 8 rod bearings were toasted and the bearing races are scored, etc.

No problem - my boss and I get on the phone and call junkyards...we found a regular 302 from a Fairmont for $750, and a "High Output" 302 4bbl from a wrecked '85 'stang GT (only 2 years old at the time) for $850. It wasn't even a decision.

So, we bolted the '85 into the '79 and called it good. Still didn't do any mods really...in fact the 302 HO had come with a nice set of shorty headers (stock at that time - no idea why Ford went back to regular exhaust manifolds on the GT's...?) But they didn't match up to the existing exhaust so I just chucked 'em in the garage.

The new motor was night-and-day compared to the old one. I have no clue what the stock HP was on the 85 HO but I'd guess maybe 200 or so, maybe not even that. But it was a HUGE difference, just the sound of the secondaries opening up on the 4bbl carb was damn cool to me and something I never really got "used" to.

OK, it's a few weeks later. My girlfriend back then was Darlene Mozeko (also waiting for her to websearch this page... ;) who I dated from about 1987 to about 1990. She lives up on a mountain ridge road called - appropriately, East Rock Road. I know two ways up to her house. One night, shortly after installing the new motor, I am driving home at about 2am from her house and because of my adventerous spirit, I just decided where I normally turned left, I'd turn right and find a new way home. So I wend my way down some of these pitch black twisty roads, meanwhile I notice my air vents are acting odd. I notice that when I floor the throttle, the air stops coming out of the dashboard and starts coming out the top vents. I decide to experiment with this while driving at 2am on pitch black twisty roads I have never been on before in my life.

So...I end up in another cornfield. This time, the car was not so lucky. Rear end is destroyed because both rear wheels have bent the axles. Car is towed back to the gas station. Boss Ben informs me he will look into installing railroad tracks around all my normal hangouts to keep my car on the road.

Mr. Mozeko brands me "Lewis and Clark" due to my many field expeditions.

Damage: A new (junkyard) rear end. Not sure what the gear ratio was or what car it came from anymore...

A few months later, while screwing around doing backfires - y'know, turning off the ignition while coasting down a hill, pumping the gas, firing up the ignition, and listening to the BANG! Rremember - I was 17 and still kinda car-stupid. Nobody ever told me these things were "bad" I had to figure it out on my own... ;)

Anyway - no surprise - eventually I blew the muffler completely off the car. We're talking shrapnel here.

Damage: New exhaust system needed.

Once again, back to Ben at the Mobil station. He knows the guys over at Meineke Muffler pretty good. They agree to hang a custom dual exhaust on the car for me, so I bolt the '85 stock exhaust headers onto the motor, and then - one of the high points of my life - I get to drive my Mustang from the gas station to the muffler shop - about 2 miles - with OPEN HEADERS. WOW! Felt like I was driving a freakin' methane funnycar...(not the speed, the ROAR and blue fire!)

Meineke hangs a custom straight-back dual exhaust. No wussy catalytic converters or that silly thing the stock Mustang GT's had back then where they went from duals to a single pipe with cat back to duals again... So at this point now I assume my car was pumping out more HP than a stock '85 GT...

OK, it's a few months later, and again I'm driving home from the girlfriend's house. There has been a 4 hour massive thunderstorm with high winds and deluging downpour. Surprisingly for me, I take it very easy in the light rain as I work my way down the mountain. About haflway down Honeysuckle Road, there is a wooden "horse" in the road with "Detour" on it, trying to send me down Black River Road. I don't like Black River Road, so I decide to go around the barrier and see what's what. I take it VERY easy now.

Soon I round a corner and, within sight of the main road Emmaus Avenue, I see the problem. The massive downpour has eroded the shoulder of the road on the right side and all the underfill - giant stones about a foot square - is all over about a 50' section of the road. Impassible without a Jeep or Bronco. (No Hummers or SUV's back then - well, not many) OK, this time I'm self-satisfied, I'm thinking "Well done, you handled this with responsibility and intelligence, you have found the problem and now you know you have no choice but to turn around and go the Black River Road detour."

So, I begin to execute the classic "K turn." Back up and wheel left until rear wheels are at the lefthand shoulder of the road. Now forward until front wheels are just about at shoulder of road, now reverse and - SLAM. What the??!?

Well - turns out - that crap all over the road isn't JUST from the portion of the shoulder I can see that is all washed out. No, in fact what has happened is the water worked it's way UNDER the blacktop and scooped out all the underfill leaving a thin shell of blacktop along the sides of the road. As I nosed forward towards the shoulder, the road gave way under the car. Car is now looking basically as if I had driven off the edge of the shelf - in the front, the oil pan and frame are resting on the blacktop and the front wheels are hanging in space. This has the rear end up rather high and the back tires are barely even touching the road surface.

I walk back, in hard rain, the mile or so to the girlfriend's house. The legend of Lewis and Clark lives on! Girlfriend's dad drives me back down to car and we attempt to "lever" it up outta the hole, while several people sit in the hatchback to weight it down. No dice. Call wrecker and Mom to drive me home.

Damage: Towing fee, and we destroyed the chrome runner on the rocker panel on the other side of the car. (first one was ruined back at the "offramp slide.")

It is now summer 1988. I have a job, along with my best friend Mike / Michael Pachter at Guardian Photo. Basically a photo processing lab where Rite Aid and K-Mart and those places send their customer's film to be developed. This is a nightshift job we took to see what that would be like. (IT sucked, bigtime)

On the way home one morning, about 7am, road is wet again and we are driving up Altonah Road towards Macada Road. We are swerving around a bit running crap over in the road that has been blown there (it was a windy night and garbage night to boot, so there were tin cans and plastic bottles and crap all over the place) Well, once again the famous Mustang rear end strikes and as I go around a corner, I'm on the throttle a little too hard, rear end slides out, and I'm doing a 180'. Car swaps ends and rear passenger side smacks into a fire hydrant, knocks it flying (I can close my eyes now, 13 years later, and see that hydrant flying and bouncing across this guy's lawn taking huge divots out as it bounces...)

Car ends up in the front lawn of a fairly well-to-do home with a circular driveway. If I'd have popped a "For Sale" sign on the car it would have looked like it was parked there purposely - er, except for the huge gouges in the lawn and the fire hydrant which is about 50 feet away from it's base.

I know what you want to know - and no, the water did NOT come flying out and geyser up into the air. I wonder why. I soon find out.

Man comes out of house, rather calm actually, drinking his coffee. It's Mr. Esther, father of a schoolmate (Christy Esther, but I didn't really know her much after Junior High and if she web searches this, she'll probably be cluess as to who I am... ;) and a regular customer at the gas station. "Don't feel too bad Jeff," he says, "people hit that hydrant so often, the city had to put a special one there with a snap-off vavle so the water won't come out." Damn, I think to myself, I just wrecked my car and bought the City of Bethlehem a new fire hydrant and I don't even get the satisfaction of a huge geyser of water??!?

Damage: New hydrant - $600 installed, billed to me by the city. Car is totalled now, entire rear right quarter panel is trashed, taillight gone, etc. I have no "connections" for bodywork so car is now useless to me. However, for once I got a decent cop who did NOT write me a ticket...wish I could remember HIS name...

I do continue to drive the car for a few months (until PA State Inspection expires) as I shop for a buyer and look for a new car.

Eventualy, I find a kid named Elias something or other who buys the car so he can take the drivetrain and put it into a Mustang II he's got. I fear for his life - the car I had couldn't handle that much power (I never upgraded the suspension at all) so I wonder what kind of 360'-prone beast he's created. (oh, at some point I'd thrown a shift kit into the tranny so the car really did haul ass in a straight line...and would spin the tires in 2nd and 3rd gear...)

I take the insurance money (I totalled the car) and what the kid gives me and I buy..........

Car #2 - '70 Plymouth Fury III - the Rt. 13 wipeout, the motor mount, and the aquatic back seat.

Well, this was an INCREDIBLE find. The complete cliche' of the "car only driven by a little old lady to church on Sunday." Too good to be true? Nope, 'cuz the little old lady in question (not little or really that old actually) was my girlfriend's grandmother, she was living with my girlfriend's family and this enormous Land Yacht was taking up too much space there. It was garaged it's entire life, had 32000 original miles on it in 1988, and was literally showroom condition. How much did I pay? $1000. Car was easily worth $5000 or more...

It wasn't a muscle car - only had a 318 with a very small 2bbl carb, but it did have plenty of power to spare, for such a behemoth it did move just fine. This car was so huge, it would not fit through the Burger King drive-thru!

Awesome, right? I had it for 8 days before I totalled it.

Well, the car had been garaged and driven so sparingly that upon buying it, I took it on a trip to Virginia Beach - about a 5 hour / 300 mile drive from Bethlehem. This was to be the 2nd time I was going to VA Beach with my girlfriend's family. (Not the grandmother though) I figured this was a great opportunity to break the car back in easy....a nice highway cruise where I'd vary the speed somewhat and work the car back into daily driving mode. And that's what I did. Got down there, had a great time for the week we were there, and started the trip back.

To this day - I can't swear EXACTLY what happened, but I am pretty sure. This was on Route 13 in Maryland - 2 lanes northbound, a grassy median/ditch, then 2 lanes southbound. We were cruising along and my girlfriend was sleeping. I don't know what happened but I think I also got a little dozy or daydreamy and the next thing I knew, my right side wheels were in the grass off the left shoulder of the road. Because I was tired and also used to my sporty Mustang (admittedly with a light rear end) I jerked the wheel to the right and that was all it took. That giant monstrosity did about 4 complete 360's down the highway and then went into the ditch in the median - backwards. (OK, so it was 3 360's and a 180') Yes, I was shooting through this steep-sided ditch backwards at about 40mph by this point, with dirt and grass flying over the top of the car and landing on the hood. (Glad there WAS a ditch or I'd have shot over into the opposing lanes)

There was not a single body panel other than the trunk deck and roof that was not mangled from this ditching. Lewis and Clark lives on!!

Amazingly and as a testament to the American Land Yachts of the 70's...when the wrecker came and winched the car back up onto the highway, we got in and drove it home. The car was not even out of alignment, even though it was bashed to hell and back.

Damage: Car was a total loss. From a classic in pristine condition to something that looked like it had been in a demo derby. Another reckless driving ticket courtesy of the Maryland State Police. (well, courtesy of me really...)

We held off telling my girlfriend's grandmother for a few weeks until she could "take" it - she was very loathe to sell the car, she loved it and it had been her and her husband's before he passed away, but my girlfriends family had put some gentle pressure on her to let it go since she barely drove it, it took up way too much space, and "Jeff's a nice boy, he loves cars, and you know he'll take great care of it...." Guilt, guilt, guilt. Man did I feel like a jackass...

Anyway, as the car was still completely driveable and road-safe (all glass, lights, etc. were still fine) I continued to drive it as self-punishment. A few weeks later I did notice a weird "slipping" feeling from time to time and a funny wobble in the motor. I took car to my boss at the gas station and he said, "Put it in gear, hold the brake down hard, and rev it a little." I did so, and was amazed to see my motor come flying up out from under the hood (further denting merry hell into the hood as it happens) and raise up about 2 feet. "Hmm, I didn't expect THAT" says boss.... Yes, you guessed it, one motor mount had been tearing and while he was attempting to just see if it would flex, well, it gave way at that point and completely seperated.

Damage: None really because hood was already trashed. Got new mounts, installed, problem solved.

I continued to drive the car...it was now 1990. Remember, this car is enormous and I rarely if ever had to put anything at all in the backseat, and my friends were now mostly away at college so I rarely had more than myself in the car. Well, I was attending community college at the time and was working for a different gas station now, in Allentown. Well, at one point I went out to my car for some books and couldn't find 'em. I muist have chucked 'em in the backseat. So I open up the back door and....water comes pouring out onto my feet. The rear footwells were FULL of water...we are talking about 5 inches of standing wather in both rear footwells. Something about the construction of the car under the front bench seat blocked any of that water from sloshing foward so I never knew it was there. The musty smell in the car I attributed to a small leak in the front that would sometimes leave the front carpets damp. Little did I know! It turns out all the different mangled body parts of the car were somehow letting water run down into the back seat...

Damage: Well, none really, this was just funny. All I did was get a big hammer and screwdriver and I punched about 20 holes in the floor. Problem solved.

However, the writing was clearly on the wall at this point, so I started shopping around for another car, found one, and sold the Fury for $50 to a junkyard. In retrospect I realize I should have saved it till fall and entered into the West End Fair (Gilbert, PA - 75 years and still going) demolition derby...that car would have won for sure, it was unstoppable...

But I was now into....

Car #3 - '86 Mercury Lynx XR3 - the story of....not much this time.

Well, this time I was trying to be smart. I decided enough was enough of the V8 for awhile, it was time for something a little safer that would be fun, but not fast. The Mercury fit that to a T. This car had a little 4 banger, 2.0 I think, with EFI and a 5-speed. So it was a completely different experience than the big motors I was used to, but fun. I paid $4500 for this car in 1991, I don't remember the mileage, about 50k. If you are unfamiliar with this car, it is exactly the same as the Escort GT except for the wheels, badges, and grille.

My plan worked - I did have two small fender-benders but they were basically JD vs. Guardrail from doing stupid stuff while driving in the snow.

Damage: Front plastic fascia cracked from impact with bridge abutment, also plastic grille cracked.

I drove this car for 3 years until I paid it off. (This was also my first car LOAN...) It did have a very annoying stalling problem that I could never track down. car would be running great, then just quit for no reason. After a few minutes, it would start again. The ignition module was the usual culprit for this type of thing but I replaced that to no avail.

During this time, I also picked up a speeding ticket in New Jersey which, luckily, never seemed to find it's way to my PA driving record, even though NJ and PA usually cooperate...

The car also left me screwed (well, maybe NOT screwed would be more accurate?) on one memorable occasion: My girlfriend Darlene and I had parted ways (amiably by this time, though there were some moments....) now and with her blessing, I asked one of her friends out that I always thought was pretty cute and nice and fun, etc. Basically I had had a little "crush" on this girl for awhile so it was very nice to ask her out and be accepted. (I tend to think it was a "pity date" but hey, whatever...) OK, so I pick up Jen at home (nah, I'm not posting her full real name) in Allentown. It's a rainy weird night and we don't really have any plans, but I figure to cruise around a bit, take her to Perkins maybe, that kinda thing. Well, she gets in the car, we drive about a block, and it's dead. Timing belt. (luckily, not an interference engine...)

Damage: My ego and a timing belt.

Aside from that problem, and the stalling issue, the Mercury gave me no major headaches, until I began working at Domino's Pizza as a delivery driver. (DON'T LAUGH - I made almost as much at that job as I do now - just no benefits and no future...it was fun while I was a slacker.. :) It still didn't give me any NEW headaches, but now that wierd stalling problem was much more serious. At this point, being stuck by the side of the road for even 10 minutes was a serious problem...for a pizza delivery driver, time IS money.

There were some other nagging pain-in-the-asses with the car...the front seat welds were weak and broke twice and had to be re-welded, and something eventually "snapped" in the hinges of the articulated seat and one side would "recline" way more than the other. The solution? Dough trays!! Domino's guys know what I'm talking about here...the wonderful, universal dough tray. Dough trays are like 2 feet by 16 inches, and about 3 inches high, and they "stack" like milk crates. (Go look out back of any Domino's and you will know what I mean.) They are better than Lego's - once you stack them, they stay locked together and they are STRONG. I know some guys who used them as jack stands. Anyway two of those behind the front seat wedged it nicely up against the back and it was perfect.

I also remember feeling like a fighter pilot who was shot down one day...I'm driving along the highway, minding my own business when "BLAM" and suddenly smoke (well, steam) is pouring out of the hood and everywhere. Blew this weird lower heater hose thing along the bottom of the car. Reminded me of WWI biplane combat movies... Anyway, in the 90 seconds it took me to pull over, I believe the heads heated up enough to crack the aluminum head. All I know is when I sold the car a month later, the guy came back rather ticked off and said it had cracked heads...who knows...?

Anyway, with all the damn stalling all over the place, it was time to find a new car....

Car #4 - '89 Ford Probe GT- the story of the Car #0 and Car #4 collision, the Philadelphia Volvo drunk, the laser pointer episode, and the Wind Gap hick...

At this point, it starts getting confusing... because now I started having 2 cars at the same time. I had my "good" car, and I had a succession of "pizza beaters."

The "Pizza Beaters" are a story all into themselves, so I will simply direct you to the....Beaters Page. (Beaters #1 - 4)

The Probe, no doubt, was the best car I had owned up to this point. Because the Probe is a car with a following, I have a seperate page set up for Probe info, with pictures, specs, etc... Here I will just share those amusing car stories...

The first mishap with the Probe did not happen until I had had the car for over a year, a record at this point. At the time, my mother had a 2nd job working at a movie theater in Easton, PA. This was cool as it meant I could go to the movies as often as I wanted at no charge, and take as many friends as I wanted also...the manager was a great guy and had no problem with this. My best friend at the time, Erika (also no last name) and I used to do a "Movie Night" where we'd gather up a couple friends and head over. One weekend, there were 4 of us who went to the movies, and at the same time, my sister was visiting from New York and was also there at the theater. Well, we watched our movie, as we came out my mother and sister were waiting, my sister wanted to meek my friend, etc. OK, so after a few minutes of pleasantries, we all left. Mom and sister in Mom's car (Still the Car #0 Dodge Colt) and me and 3 friends in mine.

Driving around the traffic circle in Easton, I had the Pulp Fiction soundtrack (Erika and I had started out dating, our "first date" was Valentines Day, 1995 and we had gone to see Pulp Fiction. Great romantic date movie, eh?) playing in the car, because we were all addicted to it. The "Twist Contest" song came on, and I turned to our friend Brian and said, "HEY!!! LET'S PULL OVER AND TWIST IN THE CIRCLE!!" Well, Brian was all for this but we could not convince the two girls. (Freakin' women...no sense of adventure!) OK, so we continue around the circle, down the street, and onto the onramp to Route 22.

This is a weird onramp - the ramp is merging into the highway right after the bridge between PA and NJ, the highway itself there is only a 35 MPH zone because it is right after the toolbooths and it's also a dangerous, twisty road there. So the onramp actually has a stopsign at the end of it.

Well, let's be real here - the turbocharged 2.2L motor in the Probe does NOT need to stop and look for an opening to merge...just cruise up the ramp, look in the mirrors, and merge in - no problem, right? Only thing was, Mom's Colt really didn't quite have that amount of juice - and Mom is a safe driver anyway...so she did the right thing and stopped at the sign. I was busy looking behind me at the traffic and feeling the turbo spool up. Erika yells "Look out!" and I look forward to see Mom's taillights bright red about 20 feet in front of me.

CRUNCH.

Danage: My ego, the hood of my car is accordianed up into about 5 ripples, coolant flowing everywhere, fascia cracked. Right front fender also crunched. Mom's Colt appears undamaged except the bumper is knocked off kilter a bit. Looks can be decieving, as the insurance adjuster the next day explains there is a lot of underbody rust (wow, shocker on a Dodge that's actually an imported Mitsubishi from 1986 right?) which my smashing into the bumper has caused to tear several huge rents in the underside of the car. Total loss. Mom is not pleased. Neither am I...guilt abounds.

(I will also never live down the fact that, upon exiting my car, the first thing I did was NOT run up to Mom's car to make sure Mom and sister were OK, nah, what I did was stand there staring at my Probe in shock and anger and yell, "What did you STOP for?!?!" Guilt reigns supreme to this day because of that and I have never since lost sight of the fact that metal and steel is nothing compared to life and limb...)

Also, the other girl in the car, another friend of Erika's who I kinda thought was hot, will never speak to me again and tells other friends of theirs, "That guy is trouble." ;)

The MORAL of the story became, "If the urge to Twist ever strikes you, DO NOT DISREGARD IT! Stop and twist immediately or Bad Things will happen." A week later, I had a non-important and stupid event happen in one of my beaters while the Pulp Fiction soundtrack was playing, so from this point on, the Pulp Fiction soundtrack has NEVER been allowed to be played in any car I have owned.

OK, flash forward to 1997 or so...another best friend of mine was Tiffany Hanulec (she hates me now, for good reason, but she and I always agreed there were some fun times we had together so if she finds this page, it's just more nostalgia...and yes, if she reads this, "hate" isn't the right word....but I don't know what is) who attended Bryn Mawr College down in Philadelphia (about an hour south of Bethlehem) It was her birthday and several friends including myself had taken her out for dinner to her favorite Vietnamese restaurant (where they served drinks to under-21 folks...wonder why it was her favorite?) Well, after that we were heading somewhere else for coffee or something, and were driving on a 2 lane 1 way street. I found myself stopped at a red light, stuck in the right lane when I wanted to be in the left, because we had to make a left turn. The car in front of us also was in the same boat, and we both had our left signals on, figuring to wait 'till it was clear and then we'd cut across the lanes.

There was a white Volvo in the left lane, and when the light went green, she didn't move. The car in front of me hesitated, went forward slowly and began to turn, looking at the Volvo...she still didn't move so he cut around her. I waited another 10 seconds or so and the cars behind me were getting feisty, meanwhile Volvo lady STILL didn't move. I crept forward and started to turn around her, making eye contact with Volvo Lady behind the wheel so she would see me and understand what I was doing, holding up my hand in that "please let me thru" type gesture...

For reasons I do not comprehend (No, I don't think she truly did this on PURPOSE just to hit me, but why?) she waited until I was right in front of her, then started moving forward. She made contact with my left rear quarter, I heard the sickening CRUNCH sound again, but the most annoying thing was, she KEPT PUSHING. I think she hit the gas instead of the brake (OK, I can't bitch much, see Car #0 story...) Anyway this lady literally bulldozed me another 5 feet or so and really crunched hell outta my rear quarter.

There was no arguing the accident was my fault because I cut over the lane, but it was bullshit any way you look at it. The lady definitely seemed a little "tipsy" but she was an affluent older lady in a Volvo and we were 3 college kids in a sports car so it wasn't even worth fighting or making a stink. I was not given a ticket so that was good enough for me.

Damage: Ego again, left rear quarter panel replaced. Bethlehem Suburban Ford's body shop was getting to know me...

OK....it is now 1998 and I was working at Lady Foot Locker (don't laugh! - read the link) I also got my hands on a laser pointer. Now, before you get the wrong idea - I would NEVER screw around with a laser pointer while driving - at least, not point it at other drivers or distract them or anything like that.

In fact this situation began because, in fact, I was trying to do the "safe and responsible" thing.

So I was driving home from the store in Rockaway, NJ (home at the time - Pen Argyl, PA) and playing with the laser pointer - seeing how far ahead I could hit overhead signs, that sorta thing, when I realized it was getting foggier and the laser was leaving a really cool bright red line in the sky. This was too cool and I had to play with that, but clearly this was not safe. So I saw the sign for the "scenic lookout" coming up ahead and decided I'd pull off there and get the freakin' laser pointer out of my system and then resume the drive home.

Thing is...it was drizzly and foggy and I had never taken this little turnoff before. I discovered too late that the "slow down lane" or whatever you want to call it was woefully short...it also had no lights. So I was still going 40 mph or so when it started it's sweeping turn and I wasn't really ready. The Probe is a great handling car and I ALMOST made it, as tapped the brakes and made the turn I skidded once, caught it, skidded again, caught it, but the 3rd time it broke loose I couldn't get it back and I slid over and WHACKED the curb - hard...probably 30mph.

When I got out to survey the damage, at first I was relieved - the tire wasn't even blown. That relief lasted about a second and a half because I noticed that the rear tire seemed to be touching the back part of the wheel well. Uh-oh. Closer inspection showed I'd destroyed the lower control arm, tie rod end, hub assembly, and bent hell outta the wheel itself.

Damage: As listed above, plus having to explain to people how something so stupid happened to me, plus having no car for almost a month.

That was because the police called the local tow truck operator (it was about midnight) who towed me to his shop in Allamuchy, NJ. I don't recall the name of the shop itself, but man, we're talking hicksville here. Not that that's always a bad thing, the mechanic there really seemed to know his stuff and all that, but the thing was I don't feel he really felt any need to go the extra mile for me as I was "passing through" and all that. Also, my (former!) insurance company, State Farm, was not being overly cooperative in getting an adjuster out there to look over the car, approve the repairs, etc.

Well, the last Probe incident happened in early 1999 when I was on my way to work at VoiceStream (then Omnipoint). This will sound pretty familiar, you wonder why I never learn anything. I was running late (no surprise there if you know me) and at Omnipoint they had this weird little bonus thing - if you went the entire pay period - 2 weeks - without being even a single minute late, you got a $1 an hour bonus. Basically, $80 every two weeks for just showing up on time. I never missed it in the whole time, but there were some close calls... Anyway, I found myself behind this hick driving his beat-to-hell pickup with a plow on the front...driving very slowly down Rt. 512 in Wind Gap, PA...he eventually wandered over to the left edge of the lane and slowed down, directly opposite a diner. "OK" think I, "he's obviously going to make the left into the diner." So I start to cut around him, only to have him make a right turn...right into my left rear quarter panel. AGAIN!

Now, the good news here was, as we pulled into the Texaco to swap insurance and all that, I apologized, said it was my fault (I know, you should never do that, but come ON, it was obvious) and asked if we could just swap info and not call the police. The hick pulls out his wallet, opens it, gets a look on his face, and says to me, "Well, look, there's really no damage to my truck, so why don't we just let it be?" That was FINE WITH ME. I am pretty sure the guy had no license, or registration, or insurance, or some other problem with his legalities on the truck.

The car still retains this dent to this day, though lately I have decided to go ahead and restore this car to showroom...read the Probe page for more details.

That was the last "incident" with my Probe, I still have that car, and in a full-circle style of events, now the Probe is my "beater" as I am now the proud owner of...

Car #5 - 2000 Ford Mustang GT Convertible - sadly, there is already a story...

Again, since there is such a following among Mustangs, there is a seperate page for my 2000 Mustang.

This is my first brand new car, my first convertible, and my first official GT Mustang. As such I am obsessed with keeping it perfect. But nonetheless, I have a story already...

It was VERY hard to find a Mustang GT 'vert in June 2000 when I was looking for one. I knew I was going to buy a new Mustang GT in June when another set of VoiceStream stock options vested for me, but I wasn't sure if I wanted the convertible or not. We were married in May and honeymooned in Hawaii and of course at the rental counter they offered me the convertible upgrade. I told them, IF they had a Mustang convertible (instead of the horrendous Cavalier) I would consider it. They did, and I took it. While it was only the V6 Mustang, that wasn't what I was interested in, I just wanted to test out the convertible.

2 minutes after leaving the rental lot, I knew I was buying the 'vert GT...

So, being as they were impossible to find, I ended up buying the car at Faulkner Ford in Quakertown, PA. Anyone in the area who wants a Mustang, go see Jim O'Neil there, it was a great car buying experience. However this is about 40 miles from Pen Argyl and about 20 miles from Bethlehem where I work. Well, the first oil change and scheduled maintenance is free from them, so at the 3000 mile mark I left work one night at 6pm and headed for Quakertown. I had to be there by 7, not a real problem but traffic is bad that time of day going through Bethlehem so, while working my way up rt. 378 over the mountain, I found myself approaching a guy making a left turn, way over on the side..this time, he had his blinker on - I DO learn from mistakes.. Anyhoo, I tried to slip around him on the right and kissed the curb with the tires.

Damage: Two scuffed up aluminum wheels, two huge divots of rubber gouged out of the $250 Goodyear Eagle tires. Luckily I don't drive the car during the Winter so I have not yet had to replace the tires, but when I do, I won't be buying those crud Eagles, it will be Nitto Drag Radials...

Luckily, and knock on wood, that is the only "story" of the Mustang....

Well, there you have it...my entire motoring history broken down for you.

Some people doubtless wonder why the hell I'd bother writing all this down. No problem, don't worry, you just aren't a "car person." The rest of you who read this understand. ;)