Negative Space (a series)

An attempt to scan my entire apartment

Part 4: Beef

Americans are known for being meat eaters. Given that American cities are also known for having a high murder rate, it makes sense that American crime often takes a particularly carnivorous turn. In recent history we have Jeffrey Dahmer and Daniel Rakowitz, murderers that decided to kill two birds with one stone, combining lust for violence with a passion for fine cuisine.

However, we should not be to hasty to judge them. After all, the ten commandments make no specific reference to cannabilism. Maybe God brought it up, only to be vetoed by Moses: "Cannabilism?! C'mon God, give us a little credit here. I mean, ... cannabilism! Jesus Christ! What kind of animals do you think we are?"

Now let's consider some additional commandments that could clarify things for the cannabilistically inclined:

  1. Thou shalt not eat thy neighbor.
  2. Thou shalt not chop thy neighbor up into tiny pieces and store him or her in the freezer.
  3. Thou shalt not turn thy neighbor into soup, nor employ any part of thy neighbor's body in the making of soups, stews, goulashes, fondues, sauces, gravies or other fluid dishes.
  4. Nor shalt thou use thy neighbor, or portions thereof, as an ingredient in any entree including, but not limited to: Beef Stroganoff, Chicken a la King, Irish Stew, Sheperds pie... and so on. You can see that the commandments would have to be substantially rewritten to cover all the possibilities.

    Let's imagine a world where cannabilism lacks the unpleasant social stigma it carries today. McDonalds could serve McCanibbles. Jeffrey Dahmer could lead an almost normal life, perhaps as a short order cook, or better, as the host of a cuisine show:

    Hello and welcome to "Fun in the Kitchen", the cooking show for the quiet, single man who keeps to himself. I'm your host, Jeffrey Dahmer. Today's special guest is Lorena Bobbit. She'll show us how to whip up an "Emasculation Stir-Fry" using those often neglected organ meats. Later, Dan Rakowitz teams up with his roomate to prepare a delicious soup! So stay tuned!
    Or maybe Jeff could consider a career in acting - The young Jeffrey Dahmer stars in Alive:

    JD: Can we eat him mommy. Please! Please! Can we eat him?
    MOM: But he's not dead yet, honey.

    Maybe it's best that such freedom of expression has not come to pass. I for one choose to eat only animals that have smaller brains than me, which limits me mostly to senators.

    So thanks for tuning in and remember, save the broth, it makes a great gravy.

    Sirloin Steak, $4.69 per lb. at Associated Supermarket
    Nevco Stainless Steel steak knife, made in Brazil

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